Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Contentment

Content-
1. satisfied with what one is or has; not wanting more or anything else.
2. something that Nicole struggles with continually. 


Lately, actually no, my whole life I have struggled with not feeling content with what my life consisted of. I always wanted to be older, have a better boyfriend, go to a different college, have more money, be on my own, have my own house, have my own family....nothing is ever good enough it seems. 

I have told myself that this is just me looking to the future; being aware of what I want and preparing for it. But its not. I get one thing that I REALLY wanted...few days later...I'm unsatisfied. I want more. I ALWAYS want more. 

But what happens when there isn't more? 

Or even scarier, what if I don't really know what it is I want?

Two very scary questions that I don't know the answer to. 


I think I need a therapist. 


Nicole

1 comments:

  1. I remember having felt this way our second year into marriage -I couldn't put my finger on it -I had an incredible man by my side and an incredible family. I am not all that materialistic truly at all -and yet I felt dissatisfied... it was deeper. I finally realized I felt stuck and I had been in Texas my whole life and I really took life by the harness and chased after what I wanted -I had let "life" and circumstances find me -not me find them and make them happen. I yearned for a fresh get-away -no strings attached -new start. My husband heard me talk about this desire for 3 months -and so he took action and we chose a state (Colorado) and we up and moved 3 months later away from all family and friends. It was an incredible year adventure -we learned and grew and made some awesome memories. It was the "quiet/stillness" my soul was searching for -and I was able to find myself and lay everything I feared, desired or struggled with at the alter of God. My husband (8yrs older) had had a season like this in his life already -I had not and I'll never truly be able to express to him how much it meant that he allowed me this journey and made it happen. He has seen though my discontentment fade and my perspective on life be alter for the better. I think it's a hard balance knowing when to be still in your soul and when to not settle and want more in your heart. I think helping to zone in on that balance -is what is the "more" -is it earthly treasures (new car - better blog - new hobby -more clothes, you know what I mean) or is it eternal treasures and the things when we are on our last breath that we would say we wish we had more of (time with family, more love -more forgiveness -more moments of adventure -more ways we volunteered). One of my mottos is to live simply (like we seriously don't have much at all compared to all our married friends -like no house, junkie cars, you get the idea -and sometimes it's distracting and we feel WAY behind) but to dream big and live in the now being able to soak up what's right in front of us! I also feel like when I've been able to help someone else even finding just small ways to give back to society and the people in my life it helps that struggle of MORE to leave. My husband likes to say "it's your duty to know thyself" and I use to laugh... and then I thought -he's kinda on to something -I had to know what mattered to me and what brought me joy and what challenged me and then exerice those things regularly in my life. For me I found I NEED to have regular quiet times with God (even if that meant in my car drives the same hwy loop 5times with the radio cranked up) and NEED to photograph 2-3 times a week (even if it's the silly dinner I made one night) and I NEED nature (even if that's walking behind our apartment greenbelt with sirens still ringing from the traffic one street over -we moved back from CO to TX after having a baby -not quite the mountain views anymore haha!) ...

    anyhoo... wow what the heck I just wrote a freakin novel! You probably want to throw a tomato in my face or mouth -sorry! I just no it's not fun when you feel like this and I've been there and it took a journey (literally) and time for me to stop and appreciate what was in front of me and mattered. OH... and in my early twenties I saw 4 therapists. I personally think blogging our thoughts is cheaper than blabbing them to an expensive Dr! Only 1 out of the 4 gave me actual advise that I still carry with me today.

    Hang in there Nicole -being able to even post this is so brave and means you're doing something right! He will make the road rise up to meet you and He will show you what it is you want and then give you the desires of your heart! Again I am sorry I rambled -I just hope you know it's okay to be here and many of us have! Have a wonderful rest of your week!

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