Wednesday, January 22, 2014

Feelings.

I kinda don't want to be writing right now. I've been feeling kind of down for a little bit. I'm not sure if it's post-holiday blues, being cooped up and alone inside all the time, or post partum weepies and hormones. Probably a combination of all three. I just feel pretty meh most of the time and crying a good bit. 

I would rather not share those feelings. But I think it's important that I be honest here on this space. Caleb said something the other day that really hit me. He told me that I'm really bad at talking about how I feel. Not that I lack feelings or even lack in expressing them. But that I can't talk about them and get them out in the open. 

It's kind of strange how well he knows me that he can tell me something I dont even know about myself. But he is exactly right. I have always been one to push away bad emotions or feelings. To bury then deep down and force a smile for the world. I have never wanted to burden others with my problems. So I just go on and on denying myself any negative feelings until I physically can't take it anymore. And then I cry a lot. Or get moody and angry and cry a lot. I feel depressed and tired and anxious. That's how the emotion comes out. But then, nothing. I stew in that physical unhappiness. I don't tell anyone what's wrong. I don't try to explain and work though it with anyone. I shut down. 

I never realized that I did this but now I can see that I've had this same pattern since I was a kid. I can't put my feelings into words, which is highly unproductive. If I can't talk about how I feel and get help working though it, how can I really get past how I feel? I can't. All the sadness and anger and negativity just sits there inside me. That's unhealthy. 

So I'm going to try to start vocalizing my emotions more so that I have a handle and understanding of them. So Caleb will know what's going on. So he can help me. So I can let some things go. Finally. 
 
Well that was deep and depressing. Here is a cute picture of my baby to brighten everyone's mood up. 



1 comments:

  1. I can totally relate. I have been feeling so lonely since moving here and I get down about it all the time. But for me, I take it out on my husband in the form of snappy comments and being a total bitch to him. I have made a huge effort to stop with that behavior because it is nothing he has done but since he's really the only person I see on a regular basis, I take it out on him :(

    ReplyDelete