Friday, April 25, 2014

The fall

Yesterday, Wilson took his first big tumble. We were playing on the floor and he wanted to stand and "walk" along the edge of the couch. 99% of the time, I keep my hands on him, just in case he loses his balance. And 99% of the time he loses his balance and falls, he just falls on his booty in a sitting position. 

Well, not yesterday. I was holding him up but I could hear Caleb's voice in my head telling me that I need to give Wilson more "space" and let him fall sometimes. So I was giving him just the tiniest bit of space for just two seconds when he lost his balance and fell straight back and hit his little head hard on the hardwood floor. 

I immediately scooped him up and held him close. It took him a second to start crying, like he couldn't even believe what had just happened. But then he started screaming. I cuddled him as close as I possibly could with one hand and frantically started texting Caleb and googling "signs of head trauma" with the other. After a few minutes, I was pretty sure Wilson didn't have a concussion and his screaming quieted down. 

But he just held his little head on my, softly crying. And then I lost it. We both sat there on the floor, holding on to each other for dear life, quietly crying for quite some time. 

It was in that moment that I realized that no matter what I did or how much I wanted to, I couldn't take away my baby's pain. He was hurting and I couldn't do a thing about it. Of course I could soothe and console him, but the pain wouldn't go away. And that this fall was just the first of many. One day I'll have to see my baby in pain from everything from scraped knees and broken bones to heartbreak and disappointment. And as much as I want to, I can't make it better. He will have to hurt. He will have to experience pain. 

I know that a little hurt in life will help build Wilson's character and make him tougher, but I feel like there is sometimes too much pain in life, that not all pain is productive. Hopefully his little life will be absolutely happy, but undoubtedly there will be hardship and hurt. I don't want my sweet, innocent boy to feel that. Because pain can leave you tarnished. What makes you tough can also make you calloused. Hurt can do irreparable damage. 

So I cried for my little boy and his future pains. I plan on doing everything in my power to protect him as much as I can from the painful world. At least as long as he will let me. 

No comments:

Post a Comment