Not the education program I wanted, but instead into the liberal studies program Caleb just finished.
And I kind of feel like I don't know what the fuck I'm doing.
I love school, always have. I love learning and discussing ideas and becoming engaged in new material and that feeling of satisfaction that only comes from finishing final exams. I love it all. School, especially college, made me into the person I am today. I was pushed out of my comfort zone and at times to my personal limits. I was forced to grow. I had some amazing accomplishments and some huge mistakes. It was certainly never easy, but it was good for me. I came out of college more educated, self-aware, and socially conscious.
Naturally, I've been itching to get back into the swing of school. I'm dying to have adult conversations about intellectual subjects. I want to go In depth about subjects I'm interested in. I want to reignite my academic passions. I'm much more a person of ideas than things or actions.
But as excited as I am and as naturally school comes to me, I am terrified of starting this program.
I'm scared I'm not "smart" enough for this level of academic rigor. I'm scared I don't have enough time. I'm scared that I will have nothing in common with my classmates. I'm scared being a parent will make this harder for me.
I made the mistake of Instagram creeping on some of the people I know who are , ready in the program. Where my Instagram feed is exclusively pictures of my child, theirs are filled with art and esoteric books and music and nights drinking rosé and discussing French poetry. That is NOT me or my life. I'm a full time mom.
I fully believe that having my child gives me a more nuianced and interesting perspective on life. Being a parent makes me a more dynamic person. I have perspective now that just isn't possible without having a child. But is that perspective academically relevant? I can't help but feel unqualified for a program focusing on liberal arts when my days are filled with Sesame Street and the itsy bitsy spider.
I suppose I'm just feeling very insecure and unsure of my place back in academia. I'm in such a different place in my life than most other 24 year olds I know.
I know I can do this. I know I am, in fact, smart enough. I know it will be good for me. I know I will grow and learn even more.
But I'm still pretty sure I may have an anxiety attack before my first class.