Saturday, September 27, 2014


Today is Pig Pickin', Delta State's biggest party/tailgate/football game of the year. It is always so much fun. We even have two tickets for BBQ contest sample plates. 

But we aren't going. 

Yesterday around noon, Wilson broke out in a rash all over his chest, back, neck, and head. I, of course, freaked out thinking it was yet another terrible reaction from his vaccines. Dr. Google told me he either had a mild case of the measles or was about start having seizures from a vaccine allergy. I called Wilson's doctor and demanded we be seen that afternoon. 

After spending all day at the doctor, we found out Wilson has the roseola virus. I'd never heard of this before but it fit Wilson's symptoms perfectly. A sudden high fever (check), days of lethargy (check), loss of appetite (check), irritability (check), red, swollen eyes (check), and finally, a rash on the trunk of the body (check). What I thought was a reaction to his vaccinations was actually this unrelated, random virus that he must have picked up at the doctors office Monday (damn germy kids). 

I'm glad that it wasn't some severe reaction to his vaccinations but it still sucks. Since it's a virus, there really isn't anything to do but let it run it's course. He is still covered in a rash, but thankfully it isn't itchy. He still feels like crap, as evidenced by his terrible mood, but according to the doctor, he should be feeling better by Monday. If not, we have to go back. 

On top of that, thanks to the germy kids in the doctors office, I am sick. Sore throat, head cold, achy sick. It sucks. The only thing worse than a sick baby is taking care of a sick baby while I'm sick, too. 

So we are missing Pig Pickin this weekend. We took Wilson last year when he was just a few weeks old and I really wanted to make a tradition of taking him. But I guess that's the way parenthood goes. 

At least we can cheer on our rebels from the comfort of our couch. 

Thursday, September 25, 2014

That time I almost became an anti vaxxer

Wilson had 5 shots Monday at his one year well check. Five fucking shots. Seven different immunizations. Seven. It was horrible. Just terrible. I knew he would be getting shots, but five??!!?? That is a lot for a little person. 

Wilson has never had any bad reactions to shots before. He doesn't run fever or have soreness or be especially whiney. He has never had any side effects. 

So even though his little body was poked in every limb, I figured he would be ok. Man, I underestimated. 

Monday night Wilson was a little clingy, but nothing major. We gave him a preventative dose of Tylenol around 8 and put him to bed. Around 3, I heard Wilson whimper but he quieted down quickly until around 4. He started really crying so I went to check on him. When I went to him was one of the scariest and most upsetting moments of motherhood I have had so far. 

Wilson's checks were bright red. He was drenched in sweat. I mean clothes and sheets soaked in sweat. He was on his belly and couldn't move. His limbs hurt so much he couldn't move. Literally. When I picked him up he screamed in pain. And he was BURNING up. 

I was terrified. Wilson has never been sick, so this was the first time I had ever seen my child not well. I felt so panicked and helpless. My adrenaline kicked in and  I left like I went into mama bear mode. 

First we striped his clothes and checked all over his body. Thankfully no rashes or severe swelling. I took Wilson's temperature as best as he would let me and it climbed up to 102. 102. So so so scary. 

I grabbed some water in his cup and a cool wash rag and tried to calm Wilson by rocking him. I made Caleb call the 24 nurse line. A super nice nurse talked us through what is considered "normal" for vaccine reactions. He told us to give pain/fever meds every 4 hours and call the doctor in the morning. 

Wilson slept in our bed the rest of the night. Right next to me. There was no way I was letting him out of my sight. He slept very fitfully for several hours. And he sweat so much. I was soaked. But finally around 8, he fell into a good sleep and slept until nearly noon. 

On Tuesday, he was so sore he couldn't hardly move. He wouldn't put weight on his legs or turn over. Even the lightest touch sent him into tears. He took a four and a half hour nap that day. He moped and laid around all day and night and ran a 99 degree fever most of the day. 

Wednesday he seemed better, at least physically. The fever went away and much of the soreness seemed to be gone. He was still mopey and whiney but he had a bit more energy. 

Today, he still doesn't quite seem back to his old self. He wanted to be held a lot. He sat in my lap and watched Daneil Tiger for nearly an hour, which NEVER happens. He doesn't have hardly any appetite. He cries over nothing. He looks really sullen and tired, even after his 3 hour nap. He is just off. 

As a mom, it is hard to see my baby in pain. It's hard to know he doesn't feel well. I want more than anything in the world to make it better. 

I know Wilson is so incredibly lucky to live in a place where vaccines are easily and readily available. I also know that watching my baby suffer from the measles or the flu would be a million times worse than dealing with the side effects of the immunizations. I love vaccines. I think they are great. 

But I almost understand why some parents don't give them to their children. These side effects Wilson has are pretty serious, but considered "normal". I have a hard time with feeling like my baby burning up with fever is normal. It is hard. I'm not advocating not vaccinating, but I can see how someone less informed (or misinformed) could  see these side effects and think "no way". 

Hopefully Wilson will be feeling back to normal soon. I miss my happy, rambunctious little boy. I'm also contemplating making him a bubble boy because I never want him to be sick ever again. It is the absolute worst. 

Monday, September 22, 2014

Marital advice from Jesus

Let me start by saying, I am certainly not the most religious person. I enjoy going to church on Christmas and Easter but I'm not exactly sure what my beliefs are. Rationally, I don't really believe in te tenants of Christianity (or any religion) but on an emotional level, I am often moved by church services. Sometimes, I feel like perhaps I should write off religion completely, but I feel like that emotional pull is there for some reason. Who knows. What I'm trying so say is that I am by no means knowledgeable about god/Jesus/the bible/the church/Christianity. This post is just purely my feelings and observations. 

Tonight in my theology class, we were dissecting the gospel of Luke. Specifically, we were discussing the parable of the Good Samaritan. Of course I had heard the story a million times growing up, but I had honestly never given it too much thought. In the story, a man asks Jesus how to get into heaven (or something like that) and Jesus reminds the man of the Hebrew law that states to love ones neighbor as oneself. The man then asks Jesus "well, who is my neighbor?" To which Jesus responds with the parable of the Good Samaritan. 

The key here, which had previously sailed  over my head, is what Jesus doesn't say. He does not tell the man who the neighbor is, but instead, how the man himself should be the good neighbor. Essentially saying don't worry about who you need to love, just love. Love everyone. 

Here, my professor interjected saying that this is one of the key teachings of Jesus. The idea of loving everyone. Giving without receiving. Putting the other before the self. 

This immediately made me think of my husband. Life has been hectic for us lately. I feel like we are under constant stress. There is never enough time in the day. Caleb often stay up past midnight working on homework. We are lucky to have enough time for a quick kiss and cuddle at the end of the day. 

Because of all this stress and lack of down time, we often find ourselves quickly annoyed and angered. We argue more than I would like. I sometimes feel hurt by our lack of communication and Caleb often feels frustrated. It is hard on us as a couple. 

One thing that I have recently been trying is the very thing Jesus was talking about. I try my very hardest to love Caleb, even if I don't feel like he is deserving at that moment. 

We had a section of Collisians read at our wedding that mentions love, forgiveness, gentleness, and kindness. At the time, I probably did not understand what that meant, to continually give forgiveness and kindness. But I'm starting to see. 

Caleb makes me annoyed or angry a lot. Probably on a daily basis. It is my human nature to want to express that anger. And before recently, I would. We would argue and eventually apologize, but both our days were ruined by the fight. After so many of these blow ups, I decided to do a little self reflecting. And I realized that while I cannot make Caleb stop being so fucking irritating sometimes, I can stop my primal response. I do not have to respond with anger. My mantra has become "Kindness."  

I now try to be gentle and loving, despite how I may be feeling on the inside. And honestly, fake it til I make it. When Caleb is upset or hurt or angry, I remind myself that I can show my love for my husband most effectively in these moments by giving him grace and kindness and gentleness. 

By no means is this easy. I constantly fail. It is hard to put myself second. It is hard to be patient and kind and gentle. 

I am certainly NOT saying I put on a fake smile for my husband and never tell him how I feel. That is just as harmful as arguing. But when tensions are high, like they often are around here these days, I'm learning that the best thing I can do for my marriage is to love. Without discrimination. I let things go. I let my pride and ego go. 

My professor also said something in this discussion of the Good Samaritan that really hit me. He said that we have absolutely no way of knowing if anyone loves us. BUT we are able to give all our love to everyone. The beauty is not in recieving love, but giving love. I certainly hope Caleb loves me, but that really isn't the point. The point, the thing that makes life worth living, is that I love him wholly and completely. There is something special, maybe even holy or sacramental, in that vulnerability. The whole idea of the dying of the self for the sake of the other. That's big, heavy stuff and it feels important to me. 

So I never would have guessed I would have found such meaning and wisdom from the Bible. Especially not marital advice. But it has shown me that the constant grace I strive to give my husband is meaningful and beautiful. 

Friday, September 19, 2014

Ten on Thursday?

 1. We are going to Desoto county tomorrow for my high school best friend's wedding. I'm so excited for her. She was always so creative and artsy, I know her wedding will be beautiful.

2.  We are also FINALLY getting some professional pictures of Wilson taken. I'm excited but I still have no idea what he should wear. What to do when your baby looks adorable in everything? 

3. Wilson has napped in his crib for 2+ hours every day this week! Praise baby Jesus. He cried for about 5 minutes everyday but settles down and takes a good nap. I have no idea what to do with all me new free time. 

4. I finished Breaking Bad. I told my brother (who is obsessed) that though I didn't like the show, I'm glad I watched it. If that makes sense. 

5. My sister in law came and spent the weekend with us last week. It was so fun to have another girl around. I'm so excited she is grown up and we can start being real friends soon.

6. I'm really worried about the future of Delta State. The administration is planning on cutting 10 majors, one of them the French program (my undergrad major). I'm not going to get started (because I would go on for daaaayyysss) but it makes me so sad to see such terrible changes happening in a place I hold so dearly. At this rate, I'm afraid I just couldn't be ok with Wilson attending his parents alma mater. That's sad.

7. Speaking of school, I'm changing my graduate focus (if we stay in cleveland long enough for me to finish my degree). I'm currently on the gender studies MALS track but I'm switching to theology. Not because I'm super in to theology, but because it has fewer required classes and allows me to choose from much more varied electives. Plus I get my old advisor from undergrad, who I LOVE, back. I get the same degree no matter which track I'm on. 

8. We have been having nightly outside family time now that it isn't a million degrees outside. I love it. Wilson has several balls that we just kick and throw around the yard while Wilson runs in circles. He really loves chasing the cats around the yard, too.  It's so fun and always wears Wilson out. 

9. Our 3 year wedding anniversary is coming up in less than a month! Holy moly. To me, it feels like we have been married a whole lot longer than 3 years. I'm not sure of that is a good or bad sign. I told Caleb all I want for our anniversary is to have my rings resized. They haven't fit since about my 4th month of pregnancy. I'm ready to wear them again without them cutting off circulation to my finger! 

10. I need a new show to watch on netflix or amazon prime. I keep watching The Wire and Greys Anatomy, which I have seen 12739473 times each. Gilmore Girls, the show that defined my teenage years, is coming to netflix October 1, so I'll be rewatching all of that, but I need a more serious show to balance things out. 

I guess technically this is 11, but I got new makeup a few weeks ago and it makes me feel like a million bucks. My eyeshadow/eyelash game is on point, if I do say so myself. 

Tuesday, September 16, 2014

A day in the life #3

Ah. Life with a 1 year old. Chaotic. Stressful. Fun. Exciting. Tiring. Joyful. I have never been so tired but I've also never been more happy. Here is our daily schedule. 

9:30- I wake up. Check email, make coffee, take the dog out, lounge until Wilson wakes up. 

10:00- Wilson wakes up. I know, I KNOW. I am BEYOND lucky Wilson sleeps so late. 

10:15- Wilson and I cuddle on the couch while he drinks his milk and I have my coffee. We watch some Sesame Street or Daniel Tiger. 

10:30-11:15- Play time. 

11:15-12:15- Caleb comes home for lunch. Wilson has "brunch" while we eat lunch. 

12:45- Wilson gets sleepy so I put him in his crib for a nap. He cries a little but falls asleep in minutes. 

1-3:15- Nap time! Also known as FREE TIME FOR MOM! I do homework, chores, have another cup of coffee, watch tv, and maybe even take a little nap. It's awesome! 

3:15- Wilson wakes up. 

3:30- Wilson has lunch. 

3:45-4:30- play time! 

4:30- cup of milk

5:00- Caleb comes home from work. 

5-6:30- play time. Usually outside time and play time with daddy. 

6:45-7:00- dinner! 

7:30- short walk around the block

8:15- bath time and pajama time 

9:00- another cup of milk

9:15- in bed and asleep

Some days I feel a little guilty because I have such awesome "work" hours. I'll admit, this stage feels a lot easier than the baby stages. Wilson has more and more independence and autonomy every day. He is super mischievous, but he is such fun to be with. I really do love it. 

Friday, September 12, 2014

I'd like some cheese to go with my whine

I am so freaking tired. We have had zero down time in over 2 weeks and I am on empty. This post is probably going to be whiney. Forgive me. 

We took a disastrous trip to Pearl Tuesday night/Wednesday. We left cleveland much later than we intended. My iPhone GPS is a moron and took us to the wrong place. The hotel seriously fucked up our room. Caleb realized at 11pm he had a homework assignment due at 8am. Wilson did not want to sleep. Everything went wrong. The whole point of Wilson and me going with Caleb was to have a fun time together. No fun was had by anyone. We did manage to go by Old Navy and TJ Maxx and score some deals. I guess that made the trip worth it. Kinda. Not really. 

I ordered Wilson a Christmas shirt with his name on it and some Christmas pajamas. The shirt is size 2t but it is TINY. I'm not even sure if it would fit him now. It's also not great quality, especially for how much I paid for it. I was really excited about it, but now I'm just mad. The Christmas pjs look small, but they are stretchy and should fit. Hopefully. 

Some days I really wish I was working, but right now, I'm really thankful I'm not.  Between my classes, Caleb's classes, Caleb's work, Wilson, our house, and our weekend commitments, I feel like if we added one more thing to our family plate, we would all lose our minds. I'm really, really, really hoping Caleb finds a job making more money that will allow me to stay home for a bit longer while also giving us more financial breathing room. 

Wilson cut his 7th tooth quite suddenly. He didn't have any signs of teething and I feel like the tooth just appeared over night. His 8th tooth is not being so easy. I can tell it's hurting him and he isn't feeling well. He gets diaper rash and an upset tummy when he teeths, so that is always fun. (Not). 

To top it all off, next week my professor is lecturing on "Breaking Bad". So I have a week to finish a season and a half. I'm slightly annoyed I have to rush thru it. I'm also thoroughly unconvinced of the show's greatness and kinda pissed we are spending a week on it. I'd much rather discuss something else. I realize this is a stupid thing to be mad about, but my bad mood knows no limits. 

Here is Wilson being adorable. 

Tuesday, September 9, 2014

Wilson -- 12 months

Holy cow. I have a one year old. One! This month has been full of changes and new skills. It almost seems like Wilson knows he is a big boy now and is done with a lot of his "baby" ways. 

- We weighed Wilson 3 weeks ago and he weighed 26 1/2 pounds. I'll guess he will be 27 at his one year well check. I have no idea how tall he is. I will attempt to measure him soon because I'm curious now. 

- We moved up to size 5 diapers, Despite having an almost full box of 4s. He was leaking out of them left and right (and all over me) so i guess we will save all those extra diapers for the next baby. He uses target brand during the day and pampers at night. 

- Clothing sizes are all over the place. 18 month shorts and pants, 24 month or 2t shirts, onesies, or rompers. I'm starting to realize that different stores/brands have very different sizing. He has some 18 month Gap shirts that are almost too big, but 2t from Children's Place or Carter's are just right. Why can't we all agree on uniform sizing? 

- Wilson takes a cupful of milk when he wakes up, after lunch, and before bed. We are adding formula to the last bottle until we run out, which will be pretty soon. Wilson has not batted an eye switching to milk. We were doing a bottle at night, but one night, he straight up refused to put the bottle in his mouth. We  tried putting it in a cup and he was happy.  Something kind of odd; he had a terrible diaper rash that I could not get rid of and the nurse my mom works with suggested we switch to 2% milk instead of whole because of the lactic acid and fat upsetting Wilson's stomach. I didn't think it would work, but dammit if it didn't clear up his diaper rash and keep it away. I know babies need the full fat from milk, so Im going to bring it up with his doctor. 

- Wilson is still a great eater. He has his favorite foods, but he will eat anything. He has 3 meals and a snack everyday. Some favorites are zucchini, broccoli, organic chicken nuggets, pizza, olives, pickles, and any type of bread. I read up on allergens and decided since the AAP says there is no evidence introducing potential allergens increases risk of allergic reaction and we have no family history of food allergies, I decided to let Wilson have eggs, fish, and nuts. He had peanut butter for the first time this month and he loves it. 

- Wilson continues to be an excellent night time sleeper. I hold him while he takes his cup of milk at night. I was rocking him for just a few minutes before bed every night, but he decided he was done with that. He pushes away from me and whines until we put him in his crib. It makes me sad, but I'm glad he want to get in his bed and get comfortable. He goes to bed between 9-9:30 and wakes up between 9-10.

- Naps. O, naps. As well as Wilson sleeps at night, he makes up for being a difficult napper. We cut down to only one mid-day nap from 12:45-3 (give or take and hour). He cannot nap in his crib. He wants me to hold him. I know it's my fault for letting him nap on me for so long, but I know we need to quit. I tried putting him in his crib but he just screams and screams. I think he may have to cry this one out which makes me so sad. 

- Wilson has lots of new skills but he is a bit shy "performing". He dances, he "sings", he makes animal sounds, he waves bye-bye, he points and reaches for things. One thing that has shocked me is that Wilson is a great sharer. He will give anyone who asks a bite of his food, his toys, his books. I think Wilson has my mostly disposition, but sharing is not one of my strong suits. I hope he keeps this up. Kind of makes me want to give him a sibling since he seems to eager to share with others. Kind of. Wilson is also obsessed with putting things back. Like he takes something off a shelf, plays with it, then puts it back. He likes sorting and placing things. We are working on teaching him where his toys belong so our living room won't look like a disaster zone. 

- Likes: books, toys that sing, Daniel Tiger, eating, his family, being tickled, climbing

- Dislikes: diaper changes, being tired, being told no, loud sounds